Plenty of my children’s behaviors make their way onto the “Annoying” list throughout my day as a stay-at-home-mom. Right on top, though, is constant bickering. I don’t expect my kids to be perfect, but I want them to treat one another – and others – with respect. My husband and I have said to our three children repeatedly, “You don’t have to like everyone, appreciate the interests and behavior of everyone, want to play with everyone … but you do have to be kind to everyone, respect everyone, and include everyone.” This demand seems easy enough for them to carry out when they are at school, soccer practice, and dance lessons. However, when they walk back into our home, it’s a different story. My friendly, fun-loving, sweet children turn green, grow long tails, and begin to breathe fire. Their mouths open, and (along with the fire) out pop snippy comments and unkind actions (I am obviously joking about the dragon-like beast, but the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t recognize these creatures as those I have just witnessed in the outside world). Who are you? and Where is this coming from? are questions that enter my mind and often come out of my mouth.
We all understand the simple fact that siblings fight. In her book, Good Character, Musa Kazim Gulcur states, “Sibling rivalry arises from the desire to compete for the affection of the parents.” This is one of many possible causes of sibling quarrels. Others may include being “bored, tired, or hungry,” according to Lesia Oesterreich, a Family Life Extension Specialist and author of Heartland Family Child Care Handbook. “What basic needs are not being met here?” Oesterreich asks. “Sometimes kids get into a bad habit of squabbling as a way of getting attention … looking for companionship, or trying to develop their own sense of power.”
Whatever the reasons for sibling quibbling, they don’t make our children’s behavior acceptable. Since young kids “lack the problem-solving skills to settle spats … they’ll need your help (and patience) to learn to share or take turns,” says Marianne Neifert, M.D., a renowned pediatrician, professional speaker, author of parenting books, and mother of five grown children. (Um, can you say, Super Mom?!!). Dr. Neifert suggests that parents should “compliment (their) kids whenever they show empathy or consideration for one another.” If you’re like me, you’ve created rules in your home. That’s the easy part. The challenge is finding effective consequences that can be inflicted consistently, right? I’ve discovered that most behaviors are correctible with the rules and consequences we’ve set up. But this sibling bickering stuff drives me nutso!
One way I’ve found to harness disrespectful words and actions between my children is what I call our Respect System. To me, “BE RESPECTFUL” is the rule that encompasses all others. So when I saw that our home needed improvement in this area, I decided to breathe a little fire of my own. Here’s how I created our Respect System:
I pulled out three small, disposable Tupperware containers from my cupboard. I wrote the name of one of my children on the lid of each container, and then let my kids decorate their boxes with stickers to really make it their own.
I then explained to my kids (ages 6, 5, and 3), “These are your Respect Boxes. You have the chance to earn money in them for using kind words and behaviors with each other. Each time I hear you say something respectful to one another or treat each other kindly, I’ll give you a penny to put into your box.” They got very excited. Then I threw a monkey wrench in it. “But … any time I hear you say something unkind or see you do something disrespectful to one of your siblings, I’ll ask you to take a penny out of your box and put it into that person’s box.” Of course, they didn’t think that part was fair; but I reiterated that these were Respect Boxes, and any disrespectful behaviors would have to receive a consequence.
Some may argue that paying children (literally) for good behavior is poor parenting. I disagree. In fact, I’ve found that bribery is a huge part of parenting! That may sound awful, but I believe that doing it in limited, appropriate ways can be very helpful and effective. How many parents haven’t used a sticker chart, food item, or bedtime story as a way to coerce their kids into performing a desired behavior? In the case of the Respect Box, I look at the “payment” as incentive; to use gentle words, to behave kindly, to respect one another.
At the end of each week, my kids and I sit on the family room carpet with my homemade money chart and their Respect Boxes. I have my kids empty them and count out five pennies. Then I give them a nickel. When they count out five more pennies, I give them another nickel. They can trade it in for a dime. We keep counting pennies and using the money chart to understand the value of each coin and which smaller-amount coins can be combined to earn a larger-amount coin. When they reach 100 cents, I give them a dollar bill to put in their piggy bank. They love it!
I also perceive the Respect System as a life lesson: When my kids become adults, they’ll go to work. If they are respectful to their boss, they’ll gain his or her respect in return. If they’re respectful of the job they’ve been asked to do, they’ll earn money. That’s the real world, and they’re getting a taste of it (and my dragon fire) right here at home!
The World of Author/Mom Alicia Murphy! 
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