The World of Author/Mom Alicia Murphy!

• Breastfeeding isn’t easy (in most cases). It can be painful, especially in the beginning when you and the baby are first learning how to do it correctly. Your nipples may become dry, sore, red, or irritated. There are creams that can help soothe the pain. There are also nipple shields you can place on your breasts when it’s time to nurse. Breastfeeding is a commitment. If you choose to nurse exclusively, then YOU are the only person who can feed the baby. So YOU must be available to satisfy his/her hunger … Day, night, 24/7.  Sometimes your boobs will be full, but the baby won’t be ready to eat yet.  YOU have to go pump (in another room, in the car, in the public bathroom), lest your rock-hard breasts decide to leak through your bra and shirt. Most hospitals today have a lactation consultant on staff. This person’s job is to coach women who wish to breastfeed their babies. They are available to assist in the process of learning how to properly nurse the baby and to answer any questions moms have.  I found these consultants to be very helpful when I was breastfeeding my first baby. With my second and third children, I didn’t feel the love as much.  We have to keep in mind that, as lactation consultants, it is in their job description to urge women to breastfeed (because this form of nourishment is believed to be healthiest for your child).  I get this. I do, BUT breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone … nor does it even appeal to everyone. Some women just aren’t comfortable with this form of feeding. Other women find that circumstances prevent them from successfully breastfeeding their babies. For example, some women just don’t produce as much milk as their babies need; some babies never latch on properly and therefore don’t get enough milk; sometimes women who have older children find it difficult to continually find the time needed to effectively breastfeed their new baby (while their toddler is appropriately unraveling an entire roll of toilet paper onto the bathroom floor. By the way, a very helpful idea is to have a basket of toys for your older children to play with only when you are nursing your youngest. Those toys become a novelty, and your older children may cooperate so you can nurse in peace). If you find that nursing isn’t working out the way you had hoped, try not to worry. Formula, though not as natural as breast milk, is extremely healthy for your infant. It will not stunt his or her mental, physical, or emotional growth. Your lactation consultant may speak negatively about the use of formula. One tried to make me feel guilty when I stopped breastfeeding my daughter at 6 weeks. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t rattle my cage; I felt no shame whatsoever. My daughter’s stomach couldn’t tolerate my breast milk, and it was making her sick. When she wasn’t sleeping or eating, she was screaming bloody murder because her belly was so upset. And her gas! OMG, she had man gas. The poor little thing … And poor us, who had to smell it.      

What I’m trying to emphasize is that breastfeeding is a choice.  No one should make you feel badly about giving your baby formula if that’s what works best for you and your child.  Don’t allow the Nipple Nazi to intimidate you. With my first child, I absolutely loved my breastfeeding experience, once he and I figured the whole thing out.  I found that if I needed to bring my supply up, I could nurse my son and then pump. Even if I didn’t get much milk, I was training my body to make more. I also found I really enjoyed that time with my son, that feeling of bonding with him, the whole thing.  The experience was different with my daughter and second son, because circumstances were different.  Every child is different. Make the best choice for you and for your baby.

Dr. John Murphy’s Pointers for Parents Who are Breastfeeding:

Breastfeeding is supply and demand. The more the child is on the breast, the quicker the milk supply comes in. It usually takes 3-5 days for the initial supply to fully come in.  Breastfeeding can be affected by stress, so moms need to drink plenty of water, eat well (consume extra calories), and get as much sleep as possible. New moms are often concerned about losing their “baby weight,” and they don’t eat or drink enough. Be sure to take care of yourself, so you can take care of your baby, too.

Plenty of my children’s behaviors make their way onto the “Annoying” list throughout my day as a stay-at-home-mom. Right on top, though, is constant bickering. I don’t expect my kids to be perfect, but I want them to treat one another – and others – with respect. My husband and I have said to our three children repeatedly, “You don’t have to like everyone, appreciate the interests and behavior of everyone, want to play with everyone … but you do have to be kind to everyone, respect everyone, and include everyone.”  This demand seems easy enough for them to carry out when they are at school, soccer practice, and dance lessons.  However, when they walk back into our home, it’s a different story.  My friendly, fun-loving, sweet children turn green, grow long tails, and begin to breathe fire. Their mouths open, and (along with the fire) out pop snippy comments and unkind actions (I am obviously joking about the dragon-like beast, but the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t recognize these creatures as those I have just witnessed in the outside world). Who are you? and Where is this coming from? are questions that enter my mind and often come out of my mouth.                                                                                           

We all understand the simple fact that siblings fight.  In her book, Good Character, Musa Kazim Gulcur states, “Sibling rivalry arises from the desire to compete for the affection of the parents.”  This is one of many possible causes of sibling quarrels.  Others may include being “bored, tired, or hungry,” according to Lesia Oesterreich, a Family Life Extension Specialist and author of Heartland Family Child Care Handbook. “What basic needs are not being met here?” Oesterreich asks. “Sometimes kids get into a bad habit of squabbling as a way of getting attention … looking for companionship, or trying to develop their own sense of power.” 

Whatever the reasons for sibling quibbling, they don’t make our children’s behavior acceptable. Since young kids “lack the problem-solving skills to settle spats … they’ll need your help (and patience) to learn to share or take turns,” says Marianne Neifert, M.D., a renowned pediatrician, professional speaker, author of parenting books, and mother of five grown children. (Um, can you say, Super Mom?!!).  Dr. Neifert suggests that parents should “compliment (their) kids whenever they show empathy or consideration for one another.” If you’re like me, you’ve created rules in your home. That’s the easy part. The challenge is finding effective consequences that can be inflicted consistently, right? I’ve discovered that most behaviors are correctible with the rules and consequences we’ve set up.  But this sibling bickering stuff drives me nutso!

         One way I’ve found to harness disrespectful words and actions between my children is what I call our Respect System.  To me, “BE RESPECTFUL” is the rule that encompasses all others. So when I saw that our home needed improvement in this area, I decided to breathe a little fire of my own.  Here’s how I created our Respect System:                                                        

         I pulled out three small, disposable Tupperware containers from my cupboard. I wrote the name of one of my children on the lid of each container, and then let my kids decorate their boxes with stickers to really make it their own.                                                                                            

         I then explained to my kids (ages 6, 5, and 3), “These are your Respect Boxes. You have the chance to earn money in them for using kind words and behaviors with each other. Each time I hear you say something respectful to one another or treat each other kindly, I’ll give you a penny to put into your box.” They got very excited.  Then I threw a monkey wrench in it. “But … any time I hear you say something unkind or see you do something disrespectful to one of your siblings, I’ll ask you to take a penny out of your box and put it into that person’s box.” Of course, they didn’t think that part was fair; but I reiterated that these were Respect Boxes, and any disrespectful behaviors would have to receive a consequence.                                            

         Some may argue that paying children (literally) for good behavior is poor parenting.  I disagree.  In fact, I’ve found that bribery is a huge part of parenting! That may sound awful, but I believe that doing it in limited, appropriate ways can be very helpful and effective. How many parents haven’t used a sticker chart, food item, or bedtime story as a way to coerce their kids into performing a desired behavior?  In the case of the Respect Box, I look at the “payment” as incentive; to use gentle words, to behave kindly, to respect one another.                                        

         At the end of each week, my kids and I sit on the family room carpet with my homemade money chart and their Respect Boxes. I have my kids empty them and count out five pennies. Then I give them a nickel.  When they count out five more pennies, I give them another nickel.  They can trade it in for a dime.  We keep counting pennies and using the money chart to understand the value of each coin and which smaller-amount coins can be combined to earn a larger-amount coin. When they reach 100 cents, I give them a dollar bill to put in their piggy bank. They love it!                                                                                       

         I also perceive the Respect System as a life lesson: When my kids become adults, they’ll go to work. If they are respectful to their boss, they’ll gain his or her respect in return. If they’re respectful of the job they’ve been asked to do, they’ll earn money. That’s the real world, and they’re getting a taste of it (and my dragon fire) right here at home!  

         Okay, I’m putting on my teacher hat now. This chapter actually consists of an article I wrote suggesting how parents can assist their school-age children with reading skills. The gist of it is that times have changed, and so have schools and learning. No one’s hand gets rapped with a ruler anymore. Students aren’t expected to sit in silence and work at their desks. Hell, a teacher can’t be alone with a child these days and have to be careful even giving a hug. As parents, it’s hard for us to avoid comparing our own experiences to the ones our children have. The important thing is for us to try to gain an understanding of current educational methods and build a rapport with our children’s teachers so that we can best support their learning. With those things in mind  …

       “They’re supposed to start reading in kindergarten,” I heard another mom say during drop off. “When I was in kindergarten we just had fun.” She’s right, I thought. Remember when we started our school careers and the (half) day consisted of playing, doing a craft, playing, eating snack, playing, completing an art project, playing, doing another craft, and playing some more? We learned plenty: how to share, take turns, and stand in line. We recognized our colors and shapes. There was no mention of educational state standards, no hint that we should be reading on our own.          

         Now we drop off our five-year-olds at school, where they are expected to name all the letters and their sounds, string those sounds together to form words, and group those words together to create sentences. “Many kindergarten programs have become much more skill-focused, and the expectations are much higher than they were twenty years ago,” says Katherine Echeverria, a retired reading specialist from Media, Pennsylvania. “Phonological skills are those which form the foundation for learning to read. They involve the manipulation of sounds in spoken language. The importance of phonics cannot be stressed enough; and phonics instruction must be explicit. Children need to learn that letters and letter combinations represent sounds, and that sounds can be blended to make words.  Such instruction also helps children with spelling. By the end of kindergarten, a student should be able to name all the upper and lower case letters of the alphabet and label the sounds of the twenty-one consonants and five short vowels. They should be able to “sound out” simple phonetically-regular words (such as cat, hum, pet, hot, and pig). In addition, kindergarteners should be able to read about twenty-five sight words. We also can’t ignore comprehension. Students should have the ability to retell a simple story from memory and say something about the story’s characters and important events … Skills are reviewed at the beginning of first grade, but the pace is fast and there is an expectation that new learning will begin as soon as possible.”                                                                                        

         So how can we as parents support our children’s literacy and instill in them a lifelong love of reading? Kelly Hoopes, a kindergarten teacher in Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, shares some ideas:                                                                                                                                                                     

“Aside from reading to their children every day, there are many tools parents can use. They can model how to read, by pointing to the words as they read from left to right. Asking questions about the story is also important: Who are the characters in the story? Where does it take place? What is the problem in the story, and how was it solved? What do you think will happen next? Did you like the story? What was your favorite part? Parents should also read for pleasure, in front of their children, to demonstrate its importance. Showing enthusiasm for reading and practicing sight word skills with their children will help moms and dads to be good role models.”             

Writing and spelling exercises are also crucial in the development of strong literacy skills. “Create a print-rich environment where items in the room are labeled,” suggests Mrs. Hoopes. She uses Play-Doh to show how things stretch, and explain that the sounds in words can be stretched out to help with reading. She urges parents to review sight words with children every night and to make reading a part of outside activities. For example, children can practice reading road signs and finding items at the grocery store. “I like a holistic approach in addition to phonics instruction,” she says. “I think it makes for a well-rounded student.”                              

Working with our children as they read is a highly effective technique in assuring fluency (the ability to read at a steady pace) and comprehension (understanding the text).                    

         Lauren O’Boyle, a Reading Specialist in Chichester, Pennsylvania, offers some tips. “Schools should provide parents with reading material that is on the child’s independent reading level (the level at which a child’s reading accuracy is 95% and (s)he is comprehending the text). A student should be reading for fifteen minutes (or longer) each night at their independent reading level.”                                                                   

         Parents also need to be advocates for their children’s reading success. If notified by their child’s teacher that their child is struggling with reading, there are many things a parent can do to gain support. Mrs. O’Boyle suggests, “Ask what services the school is going to provide for your child. Will a Reading Specialist be available to work with your child? If so, when will services begin, how often will they occur, and for how long? Find out what the teacher is doing in the classroom to help support your child. Is small group or individual instruction taking place? At home, keep practicing sight words, reading books on your child’s level, and having him/her sounds out words that are too difficult for them to recognize.”

         We all want our children to succeed and be happy in school. Assisting them with early literacy skills is an act that can really pay off. After all, reading is at the foundation of all other subjects. Creating a lifelong love of reading can create lifelong success in school!

Useful Websites for Enhancing Literacy Skills

www.starfall.com

www.abcya.com

www.raz-kids.com

www.pbskids.com

www.brainpopjr.com

www.seussville.com

         An excellent resource for parents who want to learn about ways to help their child(ren) with reading:

www.readingrockets.org

         Are your children still in preschool? Here are a few ways to help them learn their letters and sounds.

• Cut out block letters from construction paper or cardstock. Tell your child what the letter is and what sound(s) it makes. Then decorate it with your child by placing stickers or pics from magazines that begin with that letter. You can even put faces on them! I hung my children’s finished letters high on a wall in our kitchen, and my children (now ages 7, 5, and 3) still use them to remember alphabet order and letter formation.

• Glue a large piece of felt to a display board. Cut shapes out of various felt colors to make a snowman (3 separate white circles for head and body, hat, scarf, carrot, eyes, buttons, smile …).  Make some cards with letters and shapes on them (and any other skills you’d like your children to learn). Ask a question, and if your child gets it right, they add a piece of the snowman to the felt board. My kids love this game, and it’s been great because I can keep changing the questions as their skills become more advanced.

• I created a “word wall” in my kitchen, where we have a big, blank wall. There’s a piece of paper for each letter of the alphabet, and simple sight words for that letter are listed on each page. Each time my daughter or son brings home more sight words from school, I add them to the word wall. After dinner, I ask one of the kids to go to a certain letter on the word wall and read all the words on that page. I also have separate pages that show our address, phone number, days of the week, months of the year, and seasons. Having the words there all the time helps them to learn to read and spell them.

Great iPad App:

Teach Me (Toddler, Kindergarten First Grade …)

Nearly two years ago, I met a little girl when I was working as the assistant in her kindergarten class. Her name was Brielle, which means “God is my strength.” This is so very relevant, because little Brielle somehow knew how to take the strength she was given and hand it to others. Though she lived with cancer for most of her short time on Earth, her face always had a smile on it, her arms always had a hug ready, and she somehow knew how to make everyone feel like the most important person in the world. Brielle seemed to have insight that extended way beyond her years. Before each of her many chemo treatments, her mother would ask her, “Are you okay?” Brielle would answer, “I’m okay if you’re okay.” She knew how to touch people’s hearts in unlimited ways, and yet she was perfect at being a typical five-year-old as well. Did I mention her infectious giggle and joyful way of running everywhere she went? So adorable and so, so lovable.

Brielle left us one year ago today, after courageously facing and fighting her disease. She had just turned 6.

6 … Just 6! What good reason could there possibly be for a six-year-old to lose her life?  Why should her family have to go on without their child, sister, granddaughter, cousin?  These are questions we have no answers to. Not now, anyway. God has His grand plan, and I’m sure that Brielle is now privy to the reasons behind her challenging life and early death.

Living in the land of no pain, tears, or suffering, Brielle is now chasing butterflies, dancing on clouds and sliding down rainbows. Her favorite number was always 11, and she left us on the 11th of July.  The number 11 is said to be “the light within all, strengthened by the love of peace, gentleness, sensitivity, and insight.” All of the traits that Brielle possessed.

She taught me to smile often, giggle more, dance joyfully, love fiercely, have a hug for everyone, and look for the good in all. My little 6-year-old girlfriend showed me what’s truly important in this life. I pray that she knows how much she has given me and that I can somehow live the way she did. “God is my strength.” I love you Brielle! Shine on, Angel.

During a routine trip to the supermarket recently, a young man who was working there approached me.

“Hi, Ma’am. How are you today?” By looking at him and hearing him speak, I knew he was mentally challenged. 

“Fine,” I answered. “How are you?”

“I’m doing great!” he smiled. “You have Winnie the Hoo on your shirt. I like that! Wanna do some sit-ups later?”

Funny. Unexpected. And ironic. This boy had no idea that I’ve always had a little pot belly (much like Winnie the “Hoo,” and can always benefit from a stomach  workout). “Well,” I answered, “I do need to do some sit-ups …”

“Great! We’ll meet outside after you check out, and we’ll do some sit-ups.” 

As he walked away, I figured he would likely forget our conversation in minutes. Nope! He found me in almost every aisle I went down.

“Hey Buddy! Don’t forget about the sit-ups! When you’re ready to pay, I’m gonna bag your stuff, okay?”

Sure enough, when he saw which checkout line I was in, he approached the bagger and requested to bag my groceries when it was time. “I want to help my friend,” he said. The other people in line stared at him, then at me. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

This young man was so excited to bag my groceries and help me to my car. He informed me that he was not allowed to accept tips. “Ready to do sit-ups now?” he grinned.

“Well, we’re in a parking lot, and it really isn’t safe.”

“Don’t be scared. I’ll spot you. There’s a park bench over by the store. That’s where we can do our sit-ups.”

Worried that he could quite possibly throw a tantrum if I said no, I gently explained that I needed to go pick up my children from school and didn’t think I had enough time. Luckily, he accepted that and asked when I’d be back and would I be wearing the Winnie the Hoo shirt. As I got in my car and he walked back toward the store, he turned back several times to wave at me, his “friend,” calling, “Bye, Buddy!”

I guess he considered me his friend because I gave him a smile and took a minute to talk to him. I treated him with respect. Maybe he doesn’t get that too often.

I thought of him the rest of the day and several times since. He reminded me how important a smile is. How easy it is to get bogged down with the silly things that annoy me in life. How crucial it is to focus on the good things I have. Healthy children. A hard-working husband who treats me well. A close family and lots of real friends.

This special young man taught me to SIT UP and take notice … Whenever I get stressed about my kids, I’m going to do a few sit-ups and remind myself that my family and I are healthy and don’t face the many challenges that he does.

Anyone want to do sit-ups too? I’ll spot you.

35 years ago today, my aunt was killed in a car accident. I was 9, and her daughters were 10 and 8. I remember that day so vividly, probably because it was the first time I questioned God and His reasons for things. What, I asked, could be the purpose of taking the mother of two little girls? My cousins were – and still are – like sisters to me, and I grew up feeling so sorry and so guilty that I had a mom and they didn’t.

My aunt Barbara was one of my most favorite people. I remember her smile, her voice, her gentle touch when she brushed my hair, and how she loved to spoil us girls with toys and ice cream cones. Soft spoken when you had an important question and quite the yeller when she was angry, Aunt Barbara was full of life and loved to have fun.

We girls grew up together, and my cousins, Chrissy and Julie, are two of the strongest, kindest, most beautiful women I know.
My mom once said to me, when I questioned God’s reason for taking Aunt Barbara too soon, “Maybe He felt that she could do her work better from Heaven.” You know what? I think she was right.

My uncle Jim worked hard as well. Devastated after the accident and feeling unequipped to raise two young girls by himself, he stepped up and found his own way. Such courage and strength.

When I question things that happen, I always try to remind myself that God has a grand plan … We’ll know and understand all of His reasons someday when we’re with Him. For any of us who have watched a parent of young children be called home by God, may we remember the power of a mother’s work – wherever she may be – and find comfort in it.

Love you Aunt Barbara, Chrissy, Julie, and Uncle Jim …

January 29, 1980

Instilling this simple idea in my children – and remembering it myself – can only bring good things!

.. My kids love to make fun of the little bump on my nose. In fact, they’d tell you it’s NOT so little. I remind them that the bump has grown considerably since they came along. I couldn’t count how many times I got smacked in the nose by their round, hard heads when they were babies and sitting on my lap. It’s a wonder my nose never broke.

When they tease me about my bumpy nose as well as the bump in my belly, I can only smile, knowing that I’ve earned my  bumps by being a mommy. I wear them proud!

Hopefully my kids will wear their “life bumps” with pride too. Our experiences shape us and make us stronger!

Let’s all BE MORE RUDOLPH.

As I braided my daughter’s hair before school the other day, she asked, “Mommy? Do you think I have an exciting life?”

I loved this question.

“I do,” I answered. “Do YOU think so?”

“YES!” She exclaimed enthusiastically. “I have Show and Tell today, and I’m buying snack, and I get to go to CARES after school!”

Life through the eyes of my 7-year-old was certainly worth seeing. Her excitement about simple classroom activities reminded me that the little things in life are things to treasure. The fact that my daughter said she “gets to go” to the afternoon care program instead of saying “I have to go” helped me remember to make the most of what each day brings.

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I’ve been feeling a bit bogged down by certain things in my life, and I kind of lost my sense of humor.

So here are my thoughts for the day:

Savor the simple things.
Laugh as often as possible.
Keep looking at life through the eyes of a child … It’s pretty magical.

Recently, upon watching me sing some weird, made-up song (with accompanying dance) as I
made her a sandwich, my 6-year-old daughter asked, “Mommy, what’s it like to be you?”
I stopped dead in my tracks (a.k.a. weird song and dance). This question was oh, so unexpected
and oh, so loaded. Quickly collecting my thoughts, I answered her with a smile.

“It’s great to be me. I have three wonderful children, a great husband, we’re all healthy, I
have terrific friends … and … I’m cool.”

My daughter just looked at me. Then she returned my smile.

“What made you think to ask me that?” I asked, frightened of her response.

“I was just wondering,” she said simply.

“What do YOU think it’s like to be me?” I questioned.

From the other side of the room, my 7-year-old son said, “Hard!”

Again, surprised by what I was hearing. “Why do you say that?”

“Because you have to put up with US!” shouted my daughter.

“Yeah, there’s a lot to take care of,” added my son.

Hmmm … Interesting. So, they KNOW it isn’t easy, and yet they continue to be
…themselves. I was puzzled. I wondered, Do I drive home the point that they
could make my life easier by cooperating and being kind to one another? Do I
embrace the idea that they see how much I do for them but they aren’t able to
look beyond themselves yet?

Fast forward a few days. Same 6-year-old daughter (who is all about being a pink
and pretty and sparkly princess right now) asked, “Mommy? Don’t you ever want to
feel pretty?”

Again, stopped dead in my (ugly, unstylish) tracks.

“Uh, yeah. I do … Doesn’t it seem like I do?”

“No.”

“Don’t you ever think I look and dress pretty?”

“Not really.”

Hmph. I wondered if my husband shared her opinion … No, wait, he wouldn’t notice.
He’s a guy. A married guy. I’m not who he’s noticing.

Fast forward to this week. My daughter’s kindergarten class is having Career Day. The
children will all dress up to show what they want to be when they grow up. I asked my
daughter if she had any ideas.

“Oh, yes!” she answered. “I want to be someone who puts make-up on other people and
makes them look beautiful.”

Shocking news. I guess I know who her first customer will be. I’ll have to be sure,
as she’s applying age-defying cream to my crow’s feet and cover-up to my brown splotches,
to remind her how HARD it was to be me and how much there was to take care of. I’m not
guessing she’ll buy it. Thank God beauty is only skin deep.